He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
