dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
