I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
