dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
