I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You are the jesus of drinking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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