Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
