Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
