Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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