I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
