Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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