Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
