I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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