How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
