my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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