I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
