the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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