You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
