The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
