I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
