I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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