I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
