Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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