dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You've changed since you got that strap on
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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