even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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