2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
