Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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