Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
