So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
