i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
