i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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