you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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