Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
