I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
