last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
