Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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