umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
