I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
