Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
