You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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