I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
