I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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