Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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