If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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