K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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