I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize