I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
4 words: hood of his car
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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