i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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