So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
should my penis look like a turkey
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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