Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
