I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
