Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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