Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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