he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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