But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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