wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
