Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
