I looked at my own cervix.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
