I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
