Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
