First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
