dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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