I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
