I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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